Vigilance

Last weekend I went to Oregon for a rare DaveO appearance at a derby tournament. It was a new tourney and they really did need the help. Turned out there were three of us for the weekend. It was a good weekend, all told, with reconnection with an old friend and with a city I have always rather liked. In fact, if Hulu had an office down there, I would even consider moving. The dream of the 90s indeed.
Friday update!


While I was there, I ate. Kind of inevitable,  I know, but it brought something into focus for me. I need to maintain my vigilance.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. In order to change that future behavipr, one needs to be completely aware of what happened, why it happend, and have an idea of what would be necessary to change it. Lucky for me, where I am concerned I have an only slightly unreliable account.  I know myself well, and I must be vigilant against those things which would cause me to fail.

In this case, it's knowledge of my own, staggering ability to justify my own behaviors. Call it what you will, but at the end of the day it's fitting the facts to the needs to make a bad behavior ok. I know that, as soon as I do it, I am trying to convince myself to do something I know I shouldn't. Last weekend, it was food.

I can eat all those fries, and make them curly. Oh, and that deep fried chicken sandwich on a brioche style bun and that soft serve ice cream are perfectly ok. You're on vacation. If you can't relax... well, you get the picture. I was using everything I could think of to make it ok to eat the things I know lead to backsliding.

It only makes sense, really. I have lost a ton of weight, the health scares are gone and even my cpap is auto setting to lower levels. If I am having all these wins, I can relax and just maintain, right?

Not so much. What it really means is that the habits are being seen by my inner self as prohibitions. If that is the case, I must be incentivist and use the potential negatives of getting *back* to being in danger of losing my life to whatever myriad problem was looming in the shadows of my body. I must would that weapon and keep myself in line. Only through self discipline am I able to get there.

I must be vigilant. I must hold those standards until they are all habits which simply happen. Until I can legitimately have that sugar and carb overdose without fear of backsliding. OH, and trust me, my body reacted poorly to the overdose. Somewhat explosively.

Through vigilance I got to my successes. Through vigilance I will keep on improving. Maybe next year I will be able to leap over the hood of the car trying to hit me instead of leaping around it.