Adulting

Adulting.

Even the word itself is juvenile in form and function.  A simple act of rebellion infantalizing the very acts necessary to keep us alive.  A slap in the face of reality and a declaration that "I AM FUN DAMN IT!"  A desperate plea of a wide open heart in the face an uncaring universe. It at once screams "screw you" and "help me" in equal measure and is elegant in its balance.

Or something.  I don't know, hell I don't think half of us know exactly what we're doing half the time.  We wing it, falling back on whatever we have that passes for wisdom and hoping beyond hope that the chips land in our favor more often than not. Some of us have an unfair thumb on the scales, but even we're at the mercy of the ones who own the damned things.

I've had some successes recently.  I've pushed myself really hard to do the things I'm doing.  I read the memories as they appear on Facebook and see myself one or even two years ago and see what I was going through. I see myself 6 and 7 years ago going through these same struggles I am right now with the health and fitness and I failed.  Every time.  But this time.  This time at least feels different, but am I fooling myself?

Every time, it seems like "this time is different."  I would post pictures of the hills I climbed in triumph or the losing of weight and finally being below 400 pounds again and then... I'd slide.  Something would happen and my confidence would be shaken.  usually, it would have to do with money.

I've never bee good with the stuff in my personal life.  I can do money for business or for other people great, just not my own.  I've always had a problem with saving.  I think a lot of it has to do with the times of my early 20s of being on the streets and on the road.  In an environment like that, you have to spend what you have just to live.  Then, once you have the money for nicer things, you buy them while you can... because you can, and tomorrow?  You might not be able to again. So you grab on to your piece of the "American Dream" and buy that PlayStation or that TV or totally fix up your car instead of planning for a tomorrow you're not even sure will be there.

But then it is.

Even if I am not entirely sure how everything is falling into the places it is, I am seizing it with both hands.  We plunged below the poverty line for a good 2 months. It was enough of a reminder of what it's like to need. I've had enough times in my life with Korray that I've had to resort to ramen with broccoli in it for dinner because that's what we had left.  I don't need to go there again. I saw us slipping, so when this job at Hulu came along, I had to make it work.

Not that it's onerous mind you, I love the place.  The people and the work are amazing and supportive.  It's a place I enjoy going to most days, knowing it will be fun and challenging. I just had t... make it work.  Nothing could stop me from going full time.  Tek Systems had touted this as a best path out of contracting and I was determined to make that happen. I even quit something I really was dedicated to in junior derby  because I would. not. fall. again. It was too important.

So I did it. And I am doing it and it's wonderful and I can, for the first time in a very long time see a future.  I have a vision of a tomorrow that doesn't end with me eating cat food in a senior apartment complex praying for my social security check to come. I can see a way out, and it's amazing.  I can schedule bills for auto pay and I now they will not bounce and cause a cascade financial collapse that takes months to dig out of. I can think in terms of "what do I want" instead of "what do we need".

I know not everyone can get as lucky as I did.  Hell, if not for the people I have known and the advantages I have had, I would probably have never gotten as far as I have. But I am here.  and for the first time in my life I can say "OK, so what can you *actually* do about using your advantages to help others." I just have to have the discipline to keep myself from fucking it all up too badly.

I suppose that's what "adulting" is, really.  Fumbling forward and finally being able to make those steps to find your way through the minefield. To act instead of react. To do, even when you really would rather be in bed with a good book and a cup of hot cocoa with little, pink marshmallows.

And then you keep on doing that.