Choices

Friday update!

I did it!

I successfully managed to make reasonable choices this week.  Yes, I did give in to some small items, like a piece of a friend's first attempt at making truffles and a spoonful of ice cream, but by and large, it was successful.  I managed to keep to my habits and even improve some of them.

That's the thing I love about this attempt over the others.  By maintaining strict dietary restrictions for long enough, I now can gauge more accurately where I can make those small cheats and not have an overall negative effect.  I can also be reasonably assured that my choices will keep in mind the overall goal.  In short, character matters and discipline is finally a thing. It took me long enough!

If I am honest, I feel like I am on the other side of a very long struggle with myself. All of the self doubt and negativity I have felt for so long is beginning to slough off.  I still have a good amount of anxiety around a lot of things, but honestly?  This journey is showing me things about myself I had forgotten.  It has shown me my strength again, and I am loving it.

In this case, I do actually mean physical strength as well as mental and emotional fortitude.  I can lift and carry a significant amount.  Things others say are heavy are... kind of?  I can jump and duck and even run if I have to.  I can easily step over gaps that even a few scant months ago, I would have doubted my ability to cross.  I am stretching my abilities on the daily by continuing to meet and exceed exercise goals (116% of goals recorded on my phone last week), and I am killing it on the walking.

I had lost track of my walking limits.  You know, the amount of distance I can walk before my legs say "um, dude?  Let's not anymore."  When I first started this journey, it was all about the walking... because I really couldn't.  A simple quarter mile on somewhat flat surface was excruciatingly winding.  My heart would be beating and I could barely catch my breath.  I was worried. That, along with the now removed threat of diabetes were my primary motivations.  Well, that and seeing a picture of myself which showed just how out of shape I really had become.  Either way, those limits were hard.  They were holding me back and they had to be challenged.

So challenge them I did.  This past week, I have found the new one.  about 2.5 miles of walking over an hour period with two small rests of about five minutes each is what my legs can do now.  Sure, it's no 5k and it's not even close to a good hiking trip, but it's awesome to me. It represents progress.  It represents greater freedom.  It inspires me to keep pushing, to keep making these good choices which are increasing my confidence and helping drive back the demons of depression.

Maybe, finally, I can start looking forward.  It's my choice to do so.

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