Patience

Friday update!

I didn't write much this week. It was mostly a week of reflection on that front, trying to compose the next pieces in my head before air commit them here. I began to get nervous, I was sweating that I wasn't keeping up with my goals. That I was slipping and that I would begin to just give it up and head back over to Facebook.

I might have even made two posts over there this week. It wasn't anywhere near my 2--3 or more a day I used to make, and I certainly wasn't  doing the deep dives through friends of friends to find the Rando who posted the insensitive comment on a friend of a friend's wall. The habits have changed with enough attention. It required time, effort and diversion to a different behavior. It took work. It took me looking at myself with stern kindness. It took patience.

I know this lesson well, although how to really apply it to self improvement has only come in the last few years (and I am sure I'll find another aspect another time in my life). It's something I have always done, although it has usually been a function of control rather than a true attempt to assist. I would use my will as a hammer, smashing though objections and scattering people and ideas like kindling. I was kind of an asshole about it, especially to myself.

So when it came time to do something about all of this, I had to use that tool the way I always had. I used that on myself. It led me to some dark places during the first bits of this effort. I was impatient with myself when I would fail. I probably hurt myself a few times in that, though the results were there.

Eventually I came to the point where I plateaued hard. I was at just above 400 for weeks. I tried everything I could think of and it just wasn't coming. I was mad at myself for my failure, but no amount of railing against it would change the fact that I was jot able to get lower. I began to despair that I would ever find success. That continued until I remembered that I can only control certain aspects of my self and that I needed to forgive myself and apply my will only to those things I could control.

I looked for the small changes I could make to bring small successes. I stopped bashing myself for the failures and I started encouraging myself to go forward. In short, everything I knew I haf learned about being patient with others I needed to apply to myself.

It worked. I broke through 400 and am on the bring of my first really big goal.l, but I find myself on a plateau yet again. Under 360 is eluding me and I find myself falling into the old habits of bashing myself for the failure. I need to stop that, because it's leading to some poor decisions in my despair, especially now I know sugar is not as immediate a concern anymore.

I drank a sugared soda.  I have been eating more carbs. I even considered candy.

That's the part I need to stop. I need to be stern on the hard line on sugar and carbs while forgiving myself for the slips. It's a journey, and I need to find the trail again.

I need patience.

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